Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
(via l0stt-in-wond3rl4nd)
For all of you who are worried that there might be secret mind readers in the room just try MENTALLY SCREAMING and if anyone jumps or flinches, you know
you really live up to your url
(via erya)
sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS A BUNCH OF LAPTOPS SO HE TOOK THE SUITCASE AND RAN AND I JUST
(via erya)
- parent: why hasn't ____ been round lately? I thought you were friends
- me: well they turned into a cunt
If I were a magic wizard I wouldn’t harm people when they pissed me off, I’d just put these really fucked up random curses on them, like every time they saw a school bus they would shit their pants, or every time someone said the word Thursday they would pretend they were a dragon for 20 seconds.
i think you would be a very good wizard.
(via beblack-andwhite)
